It's been a while since I wrote..Alot on my mind and as you all know, each time I write,it comes from my heart..It's real..It's my story....
"Emeh, I don't mean to intrude but why don't you go to church on Sundays"? A friend asked a week ago. I searched for an answer but couldn't find the words. The truth is, I couldn't tell her why.
In 2011, after the loss of my beloved dad, following his burial in Cameroon, I came back to Nigeria and something strange happened. Every-night..I mean every single night for two months,My Dad would appear in my dreams and we would talk and talk.I looked forward to sleeping at nights because those were the only times I got to feel happy.After the first month, I read somewhere about a woman who thought she had been conversing with her late husband,not knowing bad spirits had actually taken his form to gain access to her.
I'm not superstitious but I became scared. My fear worsened when a friend told me it was very unhealthy to be doing that.She said even if he is the one, he appears to me because my heart is troubled and since he loved me so much, his spirit won't rest till he knows i'm fine.
I bought her school of thought.
So , I found myself talking at nights" Daddy please rest, don't want you to be worried. I’m fine"It didn't stop. If anything, it got worse. So I would cry myself to sleep each night and he would still appear.
So, one faithful Sunday morning, I just walked out of my house to buy something when I saw it. It was a signboard directing people to a church around my area. It was already 10am and my mind said "Emeh, God is he only one who can make daddy go to rest" I ran home, took a bath and I headed to that Church. I hadn't been to church in about 6 months prior to that.
For someone who was born and bred a catholic, I had concerns about fitting into a Pentecostal church . I always had my reservations. I didn't understand why one has to shout out loud, or stomp one's feet during prayers..I believed in tranquility and having a silent communication with God.
On getting to the church gate, I found out it was indeed a big church and everyone was already in except the well decked ushers who were happy to see a new face
"You are welcome" A good looking usher smiled while beckoning at me..I was nervous and I told him, since it was late, I would come another time. "It is never late to find your way to the Lord" ..he replied. At that moment, I made up my mind and walked in, the doors shut behind me and I was introduced to a new world. A world I would become so passionate about, nothing else mattered.
I fell inlove with this church at first sight. I fell at home and though I sat behind, I could see the pastors on the pulpit, i was instantly drawn to them. It was probably 3 minutes to the end of service when they called on new members to step to the pulpit and I cringed until an Usher smiled at me and said" Don't miss out on your blessings because you are shy".
I found myself walking towards the pulpit alongside scores of other new members. At that moment, i regretted wearing my new 6 inch heels. It clicked against the concrete and all eyes were on me. Click,click,click I catwalked and finally made it..Kneeling down the senior pastor prayed for us and we were advised to stay back and network which I gladly did.
During the session, we were asked to put down prayer points and I did. When the lady looked at it, she said" I think you need to see the senior pastor now". I obliged.
I wasn't able to meet the senior pastor but the 2nd in command who was so nice to me, prayed with me and told me to join a group in church. I told him my field was media and he advised I join that dept. Giving me a new bible I headed to see the pastor in-charge of that department..
Then I saw him…”Hello..I’m looking for Pastor M…” I said with a smile “Oh is he missing”” He retorted. I was caught off guard and found myself laughing “No..I was sent by pastor E to see him. I want to join the media dept and I also want to be closer to God” I saw his eyes light up and I was wondering why when he said “You are speaking to Pastor M”To say I was taken aback was an understatement. I was stunned. He was young and there was something in his eyes which made me question if he really belonged there, that thought was put to rest when he said “I’m happy to hear that. You are in the right place. Tell me about your life..
And Lo! I found myself telling pastor M all about the loss of my father, my challenges, the dreams and all. He had a serious prayer session with me and advised I come for an evening youth program which I did. After the program, he offered we should go and see a certain church sister who he would like me to be friends with.
She didn’t live too far and we headed to her place…
Perhaps I should have noticed the signs. It was actually a family house and after greeting her folks, he introduced both of us and I could see a hint of disdain in her eyes which was cleverly masked with a plastered smile. We exchanged numbers and we headed out with her in tow .At that moment, I noticed their intense glances, his hand briefly rubbing her waist when they thought I wasn’t staring .
Anyway, though uncomfortable with their antics, I ignored it because being a man of God didn’t mean he couldn't have a girlfriend “In the Lord”.
To cut the story short, I became a staunch churchgoer; I was so active in church, night vigils and all. I saw my life change. The dreams stopped. Everything I laid hands on was successful..Yea that was when I just started blogging.I was very active in church that I spent 90% of my time there. I would also go for weekday services. I loved my new life till that faithful day…
I was working hand in hand with him and I had noticed he was overtly friendly with females more than males. So, one night after a night vigil, he walked me home and when we got to my gate..I thanked him profusely for being a true man of God.I told him, thanks to his mentorship. When he inquired about my relationship state, I told him I had decided to stay celibate because no man can give me the peace ive gotten from God.I said I was now married to the church.
The nextday, he told me to accompany him to go and pay for Church airtime in a popular TV station..We did that and headed to lunch. During our lunch, after paying for the food, I helped him carry his tray to the table and I guess that was his weakness.He told me he had never met a beautiful girl who was humble, he told me how much that single action had affected his feelings and I presumed he meant Godly feelings..
So on this fateful day....he asked that we go to the beach ...I'm not one to lie, I was in awe of him and maybe somewhere deep in my heart I said...."it wont be a bad idea getting married to a pastor".Being with a pastor wasn't as boring as I thought. So , since I hadn't been out in a long while since the loss of my dad, I obliged.He first told me he had to pass through his house to get something..
I froze....but to my pleasure..he had me wait inthe car and rushed in to his house(I had never been to his house)
So we got to the beach where we were supposedly going to take in nature and commune with God.It was at the bar beach when we sat on the stones and my eyes were closed when i felt movement allover my body.I thought I was inthe spirit when I realized spirits don't kiss lips..I opened my eyes and there was my beloved pastor with lust in his eyes looking at me and he said "Emeh, I want to kiss you.I want to touch you. I've been wanting to ever since I set my eyes on you .I was spellbound.I couldn't believe this man who had made me believe so much in God,who made me spend sleepless nights in church trying to be close to God...i couldn't believe all he wanted to do was kiss me.He was human afterall. All his preaching about fornication were all lies...
""I'm sorry but its against the will of God" I said in amazement. I listened to him defend his lustful feelings.He didn't say he loved me...he didn't say he wanted to marry me..all he wanted was my body..
I told him I had to go home and as I got home, I tried to open my bible, but I just couldn't take my mind off that incident.
And so..I would miss mid-week service because each time I went there and saw him on that pulpit preaching,it broke my heart because I knew it was all a facade..I wondered if all of them were the same...'
He was concerned and called me so many times to find out why I was backsliding, I just gave an excuse here or there..
Then i totally cut off from Church. I stopped attending, I stopped believing real men of God exist.Even when he was transferred, I still couldn't being myself to go to church.
Eventually I did but it wasn't the same, the enthusiasm was gone, each time I saw a pastor on the pulpit, I remembered Pastor M , the man who made me fall out of love with "The Church"'
No comments:
Post a Comment
Finish Reading ? Make Your Comment Now..!