[Relationship-Talk] Re: New and Love Complicated

 

For my two cents, if you truly want to be with this other woman then commit to THAT relationship. I would say the same to this other woman too. Start to be honest with yourself and your wife. Stop pretending to go to counseling, bite the bullet, and tell your wife straight out that you are leaving her and no longer want to make your relationship work. Yes, it will hurt – a lot! And don't fool yourself - she will find out about this other woman anyway eventually so you might want to be prepared for that. Then start the paperwork of divorce and the legal/custody battle you will soon have.

--- In Relationship-Talk  wrote:
 New to this group and have a very unique (in my perspective) and complicated relationship
situation.
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> Im 34yrs old and have been married for nearly 6 years, however my wife and I have been together for 15yrs exclusively. We have a baby boy that is 13 months old. We have good jobs and live a comfortable life in Chicago.
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> My wife and I have been having issues since early 2011 following a miscarriage. The miscarriage broke our hearts but her letting her family get involved is what had did the damage to our relationship. In short, Her brother being a new doctor recommended a 2nd opinion about the miscarriage based on ultrasound results. I trusted the doctors and staff at a renowned hospital, but she followed her family's thoughts... which made us wait for 5 days giving her hope only to then have the same results and a D&C at a different facility that had caused some medical complications during the procedure.
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> Moving forward, we thought to give it another year before trying so that she could heal physically, and we could heal emotionally and mend our relationship. Unfortunately, she changed her thought in that, stopped taking her birth control and was pregnant about 4 months after the previous miscarriage. Because of this, there was already unhappiness being felt from me with regards to my wife. I was elated for the moment of hearing her pregnancy and things were ok for the short time after our son was born, but that changed after her return to work.
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> So before our son was born, I was already feeling somewhat disrespected and unhappy since the miscarriage, then after our sons birth, my wife basically put our marriage to the side and focused on our son. There was no love or affection throughout the months, especially since she had spoiled him to where he slept in our bed between us and slept in her arms. By February, (baby boy 8months old) I was filled with resentment, bitterness and an overall feeling of an unhappy life. I had brought this up to my wife numerous times and she would change for a day or 2, then go back to her regular self.
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> And this part is where the true complication begins... Ive worked for a major airline for the past 4 years. My previous job before that - I had made friends with a co-worker, a girl in San Diego that needed tech support (my field). I was engaged with my wife at that point, but this girl and I would talk on the phone once a week and send innocent texts and emails, mostly about our hobbies, life, etc.. This lasted for about 5 months until she was laid off, and shortly there after I was also. After that, we only communicated a couple of times a year via text, mostly during the holidays. She has wanted to meet since we first started talking and during one visit to Chicago, I said I would but didnt.
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> In January, we exchanged new years txts, but it didnt stop there. We started texting more and more till it had become daily along with a couple of phone conversations by the end of January. We began getting closer and closer than ever before. We began stating some of our feelings toward each other, yet one question we never asked each other till March was of our won relationship status. With me being married with a baby, she has been married for the past 2 years herself. She was unhappy in her marriage cause of the same thing that I was missing, lack of love, affection and attention. Despite those complications, we continued on.
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> We set a date to finally meet at the end of April near her current residence and hometown in San Antonio. With my flying privileges and alibi, I was able to meet her. From that point on, we have been in true love with each other. I have spent 4 entire weekends and 2 individual days with her and our bond, our connection only gets stronger.
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> We both have started triggers to begin the separation of our current relationships so that we can come together. So the past month for the both of us have been emotional roller coasters as we try to get things going. I had to have a sit down with my wife in June to state I was thinking about wanting to separate with whats going on in our world. She isnt aware of my affair with this girl, though she does know she exists and believes this girl has something to do with my course of actions due to seeing her phone number on calls in our bill and my discretion and privacy of my phone texts etc...
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> We are currently going to marriage counseling since that talk and Im basically doing it to go through the motions of trying in her eyes but in my mind, body and heart.... its this other girl I want more than anything. I understand the repercussions as I wont be seeing my son as much, but I know I'll be a better and happier person than I am now and he wont see the fighting and arguments my wife and I have been having.
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> As for my Texas girl, she is doing the marriage counseling herself and going the similar path.
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> I feel guilty for the affair and the inevitable thats going to happen, but I believe that this is what I need to do as the love a couple is suppose to have doesnt exist in any way anymore with my wife. All my workplace co-workers, friends and family are unaware of any of this and so its difficult to figure things out and grab advice.
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> Think the reason why Im posting this is I just came back from another weekend with my Texas girl and the pain of being lovesick is still so new that its hard to cope with. This is also the first time we dont have a date scheduled to see each other again which stirs some emotions with the uncertainty. We dont have a timeframe to be together cause of the complications of our present lives at home. I believe that she is somewhat waiting for me to make more ground with my side before moving more on her side since she believes it will be harder for me to end things given the length of my relationship with my wife and our son. Im trying to cope being without this girl that Im madly in love with while trying to carefully and with as little suffering move forward on concluding things. With another counseling session this week, I will probably use that to state the truth that I still feel no different about the love connection between my wife and I and the changes she has been trying to make with the coaching help of the counseling aren't changing my mind about things. With my son so young, the one I hate and fear hurting the most is my wife. I know I'll always love her forever, just not the same kind of romantic love a couple should feel. I care for her well-being and her future and with her being a very emotional person, I also fear how this will impact her as she has shown some irrational behavior during the few moments of specifically bringing up the separation and our future. I want to get past this as quick as possible and start enjoying life with this girl who I believe is my future.

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