I will try to make this short but it goes back 25 years so I don't know how short it will be...
I am married and have been with my husband for a total of 25 years. When I met him I was 20 he was 25 and he was an very severe alcoholic. For the first 17 years we were together he drank and got wasted out of his mind wasted almost everyday then at that time I decided to finally leave and when I told him that a few days later he proceeded to go on a HUGE alcohol and drug related binge and OD'd (in 2004) and had to be brought back to life. He then quit drinking for 2 years. In 2006 he started drinking again but very rarely and never as much at one time as before. By 2009 or so he was back to drinking almost everyday but normally only a 6 pack or so, never a case or more like the old days.
There is so much to tell I really don't know how to tell it all. That's been the back ground of our marriage and total time together. Even though for the first 17 years he was a horrible alcoholic I never once thought about or was attracted to another person until after about 15 years together I met this friend of a friend who was/is a lesbian and her and I became VERY good friends but sadly I feel deeply in love with her and she didn't feel the same however we stayed very good friends even through all that and still even talk sometimes now. This all took place from around 2001 to 2005. Nothing sexual ever happen and though my husband said many times I was in love with her I would never admit it because he is the type of person that thinks if I loved her I must have slept with her and I knew he would forbid me to remain friends with her so I choose to distance myself from her to try to get over her. I used to see her and talk to her all the time then but then we went a couple years with only texting a couple times a month and only seeing each other maybe 3 or 4 times and finally though I still care about her very much my feelings wasn't as strong as before and I focused on my husband and I and etc. Aside from him still drinking things were good between us.
The last couple years have been a huge strain on our marriage as I think I am going through menopause and also am just not sure how I feel about my husband anymore and was considering moving out back in April. He begged me not to leave and wanted to make things better. Wanted to not drink anymore and etc. Well I feel for that line 2 more times and now am still here but up until last weekend he had been 5 weeks without drinking at all. Last weekend he did a major screw up and drank for the first time in 5 weeks and got a DUI, something he hadn't had since 2007. So not sure where that is going to take us but that isn't all......
From the time I got control of my feelings for my best friend in the early 2000's I had again never been attracted to or wanted another person until about 8 months ago when I started the job that I am currently working at. There is another girl that works in the office with me and then the rest of the people we work with are all guys. None of them are really anything to look at but one, however there are alot of them that a fun to joke with and etc. But anyway this one guy "P" and the other girl that I work with have worked together for about 5 years and are pretty good friends and joke around with each other even in a sexual way and even grab each other once in awhile joking around and etc. Well after I got comfortable around them him and I started joking around in the same way, however sometime in late June him and I playing and flirting around went a little further then him and her in the fact that we started touching each other under our clothes. I have no clue why I let this happen because that is NOT something I do and it's NOT who I am. But there is just something about this guy and I don't know what it is. Well after about 2 weeks of us doing what we were doing and it went pretty far. Didn't have sex but come close he decided to stop it. Said he felt guilty and etc because I'm married (he's been divorced for 10 years and single for 2 years). Then a couple weeks later I kinda talked him into doing stuff again and this time we went even further. We didn't have sex but come as close to it as you could imagine. Then he decided to stop it again because of me being married but also because he doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want me to get hurt and etc and even though I respect how he feels for awhile I was very upset. I took it that he wasn't attracted to me anymore and etc and it almost cost us the friendship we were building. But we talked things though and are in a good place now however I still very much want something to happen between us again and have even considered going all the way if he would and though I feel quilty about wanting to do it I still think I might if he said he would. I just don't get it.
So right now this is the biggest issues. I do love my husband but I don't think that I am in love with him anymore however I am afraid to leave him, not because of what he will do to me but because of what he will do to himself. Been there done that before and he almost died. I know NOT my fault but even if I'm not in love with him it's really hard to leave a 25 year marriage when he's really trying to make it better and it's hard to break someone's heart and if I leave I know it will break his heart. But I am NOT a person to cheat, never have until now. Though we haven't had sex what we have done I consider cheating and I know it's wrong but there's just something about this guy. My husband and I have had sexual issues and I know that this guy giving me this attention is probably why I like it so much...I know I shouldn't do it but I want to and sometimes I just don't care because I want to so bad.
Could this just be menopause or is it that I'm not in love with my husband or what. This is sooooooooo out of chareter for me that I just really can't explain it.
Sorry it wasn't short, figure it wouldn't be but if you happen to make it all the way through any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated!!!
Tamitha
| Reply via web post | Reply to sender | Reply to group | Start a New Topic | Messages in this topic (1) |
http://www.relationship-talk.com
Finding the Love You Want
The Cure for Being Single...When Nothing Else Has Worked
http://www.findingtheloveyouwant.com
The Emotional Freedom Technique
A Powerful Tool For Relieving Negative Emotions and Pain
http://www.EFT-Alive.com
No comments:
Post a Comment
Finish Reading ? Make Your Comment Now..!