[Relationship-Talk] Need advice- ex saw me kiss another boy

 

Hi everyone,

I'm in need of some advice. It's a long story, but I'll try to make it as brief as possible so that you all don't have to read a novel! :) Basically, I started seeing a boy last December, and for the first 1.5 months he was very keen and seemed VERY interested in me (cooking me dinner, Skyping during Christmas break, etc). All of a sudden (literally overnight) in January he seemed to lose interest. He began to avoid me, and that continued for a week or so before I approached him about it. He said that although he really liked me, he didn't feel ready for a relationship and just wanted to focus on work for a while. I was sad because I liked him and wanted to see where things could have gone. But I thought his words were genuine and fair enough - although I did tell him I felt hurt by his hot/cold actions, and leading me on for a few weeks. But he said he wanted to remain friends, and since we're in the same friend group, I thought that a good idea too.

About a week later, all of us were out at a bar for a friend's birthday, and he had had a lot to
drink and began to flirt with girls in front of me, and even kissed one or two of them. Up until that point, we had been friendly with each other, but after that point, I decided to stop even trying to be friends, because I felt as though his actions were disrespectful (he's allowed to get with whoever he wants, obviously, but I didn't see why he had to do it right in front of me). I stopped going out of my way to say hello and make chitchat, and I think he noticed, although that wasn't my goal.

About three weeks after that, we were out for another friend's birthday party. He had been drinking again and approached me to talk. He said he had made a big mistake letting me go, and wanted second chances. I told him that I didn't think I wanted to have much to do with him after the way he had behaved at the previous birthday party. However, he convinced me to have lunch with him during the week to talk about things. He said he would get in touch with me over the next few days, but he never did, for a whole week. During the week, I saw him out and about (again, we're in the same friends group) and he didn't talk or even look at me.

Then, after another party at the end of that week that both of us attended, I went home to sleep and at 3 AM he showed up at my front door (again, he had been drinking). We talked for a little while, and he said he wanted to apologize but when I pressed him, he was unclear about what he wanted to apologize for (I'm not sure he realized exactly what he had done wrong). I told him I was angry that he hadn't contacted me after he said he would, and he said he still wanted to talk and would contact me the next day. Well, he didn't, so I finally contacted him saying what he was doing was wrong, and if he wanted to talk then we should talk, but if he didn't want to, he needed to let me know. He responded saying he wanted to talk, and we agreed to have lunch.

During lunch, he said that he wanted a second chance with me again, because he regretted giving up the opportunity to be with me. I was stupid, and still liked him, so I agreed to give him a second chance (I know, I know) on the one condition that he would be more open and communicative with me, and wouldn't 'lead me on' like he had in the past. I also said I didn't want to jump into a relationship with him, so we could just continue dating for a little while and see how we felt. All of this was more or less for my self-preservation. So he agreed to that.

We continued to see each other for the next couple months, during which time he continued to blow hot and cold with me. On nights out with friends, he would act like we barely knew each other - although he would stay over at my house after these nights out. I brought that up to him and said that I didn't want to be a 'friend with benefits' minus the 'friends', because in front of others, he acted like we weren't even friends. He said that I wasn't a friend with benefits, I was more, but he liked to keep things between us private (he always had been big on keeping his personal business to himself, and didn't like other people 'talking' about his business).

Anyway, like the first time, overnight it seemed like he lost interest. I didn't say anything for the first 10 or so days, because I thought he would approach me after the one thing I had asked from him when giving second chances was that he be open and honest about how he was feeling. Well, he never did, and after hearing that he had been flirting/hanging out with one of our mutual friends, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I confronted him about it, he denied flirting with the other girl (although I know it's true) and he said he had been wanting to speak to me for a while, but timing was bad because I had exams coming up. He said he cared about me but felt that there was something missing between us, and that he wasn't mature enough or ready for a relationship, and that he's not good about talking about his feelings. I was angry with him, but I left it at that, and we didn't speak again after.

So here's where my question comes in. About 3 weeks-1 month after that point, we were out at an after-exams party. Again, he was drinking, and began to pursue/flirt with/kiss another girl right in front of me. It hurt, obviously. But I didn't say anything about it. But a few nights later, we were all out again, and I had a bit too much to drink. I began talking to a boy I met that night, and shortly after we started kissing, but I didn't go home with him. But when I heard that my ex had seen me kissing that boy, I felt awful. I felt like I had stooped to my ex's level, and that he probably thought I was trying to make him jealous (I wasn't, although it felt good that someone ELSE was attracted to me - but I wasn't specifically trying to make my ex jealous). I felt like I had been very disrespectful to my ex, because I remembered all the times I had been hurt by seeing him kissing other girls, and I never wanted to make him feel that way. I still feel badly about it, almost 1.5 months later - I've had trouble getting over my ex, and I feel like the guilt from this incident is a big reason why.

My question is, should I feel guilty about this? Should I feel bad? Should I apologize to him? Or am I making too big a deal about this? Thank you guys for reading, I really appreciate any and all advice you might have.

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