I can say that I've been in a relationship to yours for several years, almost twenty. And my boyfriend and father to all three of my kids is also a social butterfly. I would say the difference is that he introduces me to all his friends. I will also say we were at a bad point in our relationship about four years ago and he befriended someone from work. I never met this chick. In fact he winded up cheating on me with her. Let's just say we had a rough time. But I could sense that something was wrong and finally I confronted him with my feelings instead of just asking. Asking gives them room to wiggle out of the conversation and put everything on you. But confronting him, whether you have proof or not, and really telling him that you already know is what breaks them down and they will admit it. I'm not saying your man is cheating but he sounds a bit slippery to me. There is just no justification for him keeping you isolated as you are from his so called friends. If I was you, I wouldn't let this go. And for the record, it's not you. He just has a way of making you think it is. And no, it isn't good to stay in a relationship because it proves to be a stable life for the kids. If you are unhappy, eventually the kids will feel it. Sometimes it is better to be separate and happy then together and miserable. Also, it seems like he uses lack of money as an excuse.
I wish you well and hope that you get the answers you need instead of the one you want. Sometimes what you need and what you want aren't the same thing.
--- In Relationship-Talk@yahoogroups.com, "geezyouugly" wrote:
>
> Hello Group,
>
> I've joined a few months ago but this is my first time posting. I've been in my current relationship for about 13 years. We are not married, but we have 4 children together. We met through my sister, talked on the phone for about 6 months before we actually met. When we did finally meet, things went very quickly and in a few months I was pregnant. Our children are all about 2 years apart and so for the first few years of relationship, there were kids running around. (Our oldest son was actually 1 1/2 years old when we met, and my man is the only father he's ever had and known of). Because of our kid situation, we never actually went out on dates when we first started spending time together. I don't think it bothered me that much simply because I was used to being at home with my son and wasn't really a party person. My sister and I would often have a few friends over but that was about it.
> Even though we spent a lot of time talking before we actually got into a relationship, when I got pregnant, I was really concerned because I didn't really "know" him. He was from a different state, so he had no relatives for me to meet. Since we've been together, we haven't had the money to make the cross country trip, and he has only gone back for the funerals of his mother, father and grandfather, alone. I also had never met any of his friends. I knew about a lot about them from what he's told me, but he never brought anyone to our house. Since we're in my hometown, he knows my parents, all my friends going back to pre-school, associates, co-workers, etc. Also, he has a lot of female friends. He would often leave at night to go out with a particular female friend. Since I couldn't drink, I wasn't invited to go to the bar with them and when they went to other things together (movies, concerts, etc.), I was left at home because we didn't have a babysitter, or in many cases we were broke and said friend had bought him a ticket. It wasn't one friend and it wasn't necessarily that I thought they were all his girlfriends, but I've never met anyone who didn't introduce their friends to their girlfriend. As an example though, he had a friend Judy (Fake names) that he would visit because he left a lot of his stuff at her house before he moved in with me. He had another friend Misty who he would have to go out to to get his mail because he used her address for that. And it wasn't that he didn't take me to do these things, it was that he would have me and the kids sit in the car while he would run in and grab his mail or his stuff. I never met Judy but have sat outside of her house many times. His most recent ex was even on the friend's list...When I would voice my "concern" about these friendships, he would say that he wasn't giving up friends that he had before we were together...I could understand that because I had male and female friends that I had before I met him, but if I hung out with them, I would never have an issue inviting him along. But basically, it did bother me, but I couldn't get rid of them.
> In addition to all of this, like many other ppl I know, he wanted to be part of the music scene. He has been a part of many bands over the years - but it wasn't until recently, say the last two years that I would ever be invited to one of his shows. In fact, I would listen to him invite friends, male and females to shows, but when I would ask if I could go, he would tell me he really has never liked having GFs at his shows because it makes him nervous. It really hurt because I wanted to be apart of his life, especially if it was so important to him, but don't want to be where I'm not wanted.
> This has gone on from the beginning and in our 13th year it's really weighing down on me. Now, our kids are 13, 11, 9 and 7, so they are of the age to stay home for a little bit by themselves or we can actually find a babysitter who doesn't tear their hair out at the thought of watching 4 young kids.
> I was hoping that as the kids got older, our relationship would change and we would incorporate a date night and other things. Over the past few years, I bet he would say that I've gone from quietly fuming over it (if he even noticed) to outright bitter nagging about it. I hate that. I would rather have him want to go out with me than to nag him to the point where he takes me places to shut me up.
> Although he recently left this particular position, he was up until a few months ago doing security at some of the larger clubs in our city. These clubs would have concerts and just themed nights, but I was never able to go. He didn't want me going to the club when he was working because he felt he would be too busy watching what I was doing to do his job correctly, but on many occasions I've found out that he's invited friends of his up to the club either while he was working or planned to meet them after the club closed...all while I sat at home. It upset me many times but there wasn't anything I could do about it. I've found (after the fact) that when I protested about him doing this and that he just found ways to do it without me knowing...
> I think I might've muddled through life unhappy with my social life if he hadn't ditched me for his friends on my birthday. It's a long story, but he basically told me we were going to his friend's show on the night before my birthday. Told me to call my parents and ask them to babysit and even said we would go to the mall and I could get a new outfit (with my money) so I would look nice that night. Well, we went to mall and then he got a text from his friend that it was $15 to get into the show, so he decided that that was too much, so he decided he was going to drop me off at my cousin's bonfire while he went to the show (he was on "the list") and would come back to get me when it was done and we would hit the town afterwards. To make a long story short, he dropped me off at my cousin's at 8:30 and didn't come to pick me up until 3 AM. I was so hurt that he couldn't even pick me up on his way to and fro. Even better, he didn't even make it to the show! But ended up meeting up with his friend (and his friend's friends) and hanging out the rest of the night. I was hurt, crying and ready to pack up and walk out the door after that night because I felt that was such a personal attack. He was upset the next day that I "couldn't get over it" because it wasn't REALLY my birthday anyway.
> A story of a strange conversation: His cousin's daughter and her mother moved to our state about two years ago. He had visited them a few times and had taken the kids to their house while I was at work. About 6 months after they moved here, he would go and pick up his little cousin to stay with us on weekends. After awhile, I was wondering if her mother was ever going to come over so I can meet her. I thought it was a little odd that she wouldn't want to at least meet me, knowing that her daughter was spending so much time at our house. So for our son's birthday party, he picked both of them up and brought them over. Her and I got along well and hit it off. They all spent that weekend with us and the mother and I talked on the phone quite often the week after that. A few weeks after I met her, I got laid off from my job and she was looking for work as well. She said to me during a phone conversation that she needed to talk to him about possible positions open at the clubs he works at. I joked that I could use a job too and he could hook us both up. A few days later, he says that he doesn't want me working at the clubs because he's seen what the waitresses or whatever have to do to get tips. But then he asks me if it's okay if he looked into getting her a job at the club because he wanted her to be his "groupie arm candy" there...to explain further, he said that with the concerts and things that the clubs do, she was type of person that could get in with the musicians that came for concerts. He slept on the couch for DAYS because from what I could tell, he was either asking me if he could pimp his cousin's babymomma at the club or if he could have a side girl (who was his cousin's babymomma) at the club and either way that wasn't cool! After a few days he said, he meant what he said but he shouldn't have said it. That didn't sit well with me and since then I've questioned everything with him. I sometimes wonder, though, if he really doesn't want ME around others and he said that so that I wouldn't be so eager to be friends with his cousin's ex. And you know what? It worked. I don't talk to her too much anymore. I always feel like she's the "other woman" now, even though I know she doesn't want him...
> With all the things that have happened, I've really doubted his faithfulness, because at the very least, he's living two lives. He has his "single" life and his "married" life and the two do not mix. I wouldn't know but two of his friends if they walked by me on the street and none of those being female. The only thing I can conclude is that if I can't be involved then there's something you're hiding.
> Lately, we've gone out more, but it's been to the movies or out to dinner. We never go out "on the town", we don't go downtown or to places where you can be social. It seems that when it is time to go out he doesn't know of anything going on that we can go to.
> When it comes to our family, our family is great. Our kids are all top of their class, well behaved and I think it's because we're committed to being good parents, but I don't know if stability for the kids is a reason to stay with him. I've never found any real proof of cheating, but I know that he has lied and withheld information in order to do what he wants.
> If you can't tell me you're going out with a group of females that are "just friends", then what else aren't you telling me? I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm constantly looking for something to confirm for sure this secret life. I mean, we aren't married...at first I was okay with that, but now that I'm feeling "left out", I'm starting to wonder if that's just part of this whole thing.
> I'm wondering if someone can give me insight into this. He's a very social person, so I'm not surprised that he has friends, nor do I want to get rid of them and have him all to myself, I'm just curious if there's anyone who knows anyone like this...Don't social people usually bring their GFs along? If you're doing something you don't want to share with your significant other, does that mean automatically that you're doing somethign wrong? I feel like I'm slowly going crazy. I feel guilty because I've gone to snooping through his stuff whenever I get a chance...most of the stuff that's "triggering" my misttrust happened years ago, but part of me obviously feels theres something I'm missing...
>
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